The other person who knows is a good friend from college whom I haven't seen since we graduated. She lives 2000 miles away from me. We will go months without talking, and then when we call again, it's like we were never apart. I hadn't spoken to her in far too long, and a few days ago, I gave her a call. We have spoken three times in the last three days.
Yesterday, we had a long discussion over the phone while she was caught in traffic for over an hour. She tends to be a straight forward person anyway, but the frustrations of the freeway made her even more direct.
She knows most of the details of my life both before and after DH's affair. Yesterday, I brought her up to speed on the email from TOW (which I still know nothing more about) and the recent sex (which has been frequent and fabulous). Her responses left me a lot to think about.
First of all, she thinks that as far as the frustration of not knowing what's going on between DH and TOW, I'm pretty much getting what I deserve. She asked me what I expected to see when I invaded his privacy and went through his work email. (It's not that she's morally opposed to me spying - she actually encouraged me to spy as much as I could and get as much as possible printed as hard evidence in case we ever get divorced.) She said that in her opinion I was fishing for proof of my insecurities, and then I was surprised by what I caught.
She thinks that I should ask DH directly if he has heard from TOW recently. She said I should try to be non-threatening and non-defensive, and ask as if it's random curiosity. If he tells me the truth - great. If not, then at least I will know that he is trying to hide things from me.
It left me with something to think about, but I'm not convinced that it is that easy.
The other thing she made me think about was what my actual goal is in all of this. don't have her exact words, but her rant basically boils down to this:
"What is it that you want? You and DH have been married for 10 years. He has a good job and doesn't give you a hard time about the fact that you completely gave up the career that he helped you build so that you could stay home with the kids. He doesn't give you a hard time about the fact that you hated being a stay at home mom and went back to work at a part time job that you love, but where you make no money. He is a great dad. The kids adore him. He remembers your birthday. He goes golfing with your dad. You have an amazing sex life, and he understands that you're a bit of a freak in the sack. (I'm pretty sure that she was just giving me a hard time with that point. I think.)
A lot of people would gladly switch lives with you right now. So what is it that you want? You don't get to have a time machine. You can't go back and change the past. Neither can he.
So what do you want?"
Me: I want to be loved.
BF: He does love you.
Me: I want to be appreciated.
BF: What do you think all the freaky sex is about? Or the support of your job? He does appreciate you.
Me: I want to be enough for him.
BF: So, what are you going to do if you're not?
.
.
.
Dead silence. The answer is, I just don't know.
I have a lot to think about.
Oh, and to my musing about potentially having an affair of my own (although I prefaced that part of the talk by saying that I had pretty much decided against it) her reply was, "Man, for a smart girl you say stupid things. Like an affair could possibly do anything except make you even more messed up."
I love the fact that she tells me what she thinks. I only wish I understood what I think nearly as well.
7 comments:
Once again, I can only commiserate. "To be enough" is what I want too. Don't yet know if I can be that, but I am hoping I can be.
I've come back to this post and read and re-read it several times now.
Your friends' words are wise.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm not certain that one person can *ever* be enough for another. Then again, I've always had that big puzzle piece missing, so if it were there, then would it be enough? Who knows.
I do hope that once you work out what you think it finds you in positive space.
I tried for years to "settle" for what was going on inside my home. I tried therapy, Buddhism, exercise, working more, working less.
None of it made up for a home life where I felt belittled and unwanted.
When I sought private counsel, I got a lot of the same kind of advice your friend gave, which amounted to "decide to put up with it, or end it -- but either way, don't resent it."
But I did. Resent it. Grieve it. And I couldn't make myself put up with it, and I couldn't make myself leave.
And I did a lot of crazy things while I was in the middle of that dilemma.
My (unasked for, I know) advice? Until you're ready, or until the day comes when the decision isn't necessary, do whatever makes you feel whole as long as it's not self-destructive. No permanent marks. Okay?
I’ve just read this post (a couple times) as well as the previous few so I could figure out what’s going on here. And to be honest…it seems both he and you have all that you could need or could want…yet he went out and found another woman??
This confuses the heck out of me. But instead of comparing my situation, I think I’ll stick to telling you your friend is a smart one. I can’t imagine it would solve anything for you to go out and have an affair. For revenge? Maybe. But it won’t solve a thing, will it?
I think you need to regroup – figure out what it is YOU want, or what you think you’re missing. Then…gee, what the heck is with DH? I guess figuring out what it is he thinks he’s missing would be good to know. I don’t know how old you are, but is it a mid-life thing? Needing to affirm he’s still attractive to the opposite sex? Seems you have a good sex life…
I guess the only advice I might give (‘cause guys like to fix things) is to first figure out what you want/need. Then go from there. And I think you have a great friend there – listen to her.
@ hoodie - It doesn't seem like that much to ask, does it?
@ Ms. I - Playing the what if game is incredibly frustrating, but I really hope that you soon get to find that missing puzzle piece and see your own what if.
@ Helen - It's interesting that you use the word grieve, because before my friend had the little tirade about the fact that I don't get a time machine, I was telling her that I feel like I am grieving for the death of my dream of happily ever after.
@ Unbroken - DH and I live in the real world, so things are never perfect, but for a year, I have been trying to figure out what was missing so badly that he decided to find someone else.
I don't think I am going to have an affair. I think I just liked the idea of having the power to do it if I wanted to. I know it wouldn't solve anything. I just liked the idea of someone making an effort to be with me. And to be honest, I would like DH to know how it felt, but in reality, I don't want to hurt him or myself.
Everyone is different and I cant speak for you but in my case revenge affairs werent the answer. I enjoy giving fidelity to my partner and making them feel safe even though my ape brain wants to do otherwise. Besides, it's fun to draw lines in life, vow not to cross them, and then look down your nose at those who do. Just another game we play.
Your friend is doing a great job. I don't have an answer for you. But my opinion is slightly different - if you feel slighted and need to even the score, revenge sex may work. It may not, in which case you still need to decide what you want to do. In my case, it would not make things worse. You need to decide if it could in your case.
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