Some days, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm going insane. This year has been a rollercoaster for me.
Since finding out, about a year ago, that my DH (this could mean dear husband or it could mean dick head - your choice) was having an affair, my life has turned upside-down.
Back then, I didn't want our marriage to end for all the normal, obvious reasons. It would hurt the kids, I still loved him, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't want our marriage to end because of more practical reasons. Neither of us makes enough money that if we split I could afford to live my happy suburban life, there's no possible way that we could sell our house in this market- not when three other houses on our block are being foreclosed - and I'm a big fat chicken, afraid to be on my own. I also do still love him, but that alone is no longer enough of a reason for me to want to stay.
But I'm positive that I'll get into the sordid details of my husband's affair in upcoming posts, so for now I'm going to talk about my own mental breakdown.
I'm sad almost all the time. I cry everyday, but usually for no reason and at weird times. For instance, yesterday we had some neighbors over for dinner. We had a great time. The conversation was fun, the children were happy and out of our hair, and I was having a fabulous time. Then for absolutely no reason, when I went to the bathroom, I started to cry.
I wasn't even feeling sad, and there I was trapped in the bathroom, trying to figure out how I was going to hide my suddenly blotchy face and smeared mascara when I opened the door. And I was trying to figure out what had triggered that particular moment of insanity.
I still don't know for sure, but one thing that kept coming to mind was a blog post that I had read a couple of days earlier. I know it seems strange that I would actively read blogs in which people are proudly cheating on their spouses, but in the last year, I have become addicted to the stories of other peoples' blatant infidelity.
But I digress, I was talking about a blog in which a woman wrote a very sexual letter to "Santa", and the playful, creative way in which her lover responded. I reread that several times, thinking that this is what is missing from my life.
So today, while DH was busy, I had a chance to look at the computer again. As I read that blog and many others, and I realized something I didn't know before. I am thinking seriously of having an affair of my own. Not because of a dramatic need for sex - DH and I actually have always clicked well on that front. Not as a way of getting back at DH, because if I wanted to do that, I have enough evidence to get basically anything I wanted in a divorce settlement.
I am considering it because I want the interaction with someone who stimulates me intellectually as well as physically. I want some who is playful in a way that I don't think my husband could ever be. I want someone who would have to actually make an effort to see me and spend time with me.
But will I actually go through with it? I don't know. But I do know that I thought about it a lot today... and for the first time in nearly a year, I spent a full day without breaking into tears.
Since finding out, about a year ago, that my DH (this could mean dear husband or it could mean dick head - your choice) was having an affair, my life has turned upside-down.
Back then, I didn't want our marriage to end for all the normal, obvious reasons. It would hurt the kids, I still loved him, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't want our marriage to end because of more practical reasons. Neither of us makes enough money that if we split I could afford to live my happy suburban life, there's no possible way that we could sell our house in this market- not when three other houses on our block are being foreclosed - and I'm a big fat chicken, afraid to be on my own. I also do still love him, but that alone is no longer enough of a reason for me to want to stay.
But I'm positive that I'll get into the sordid details of my husband's affair in upcoming posts, so for now I'm going to talk about my own mental breakdown.
I'm sad almost all the time. I cry everyday, but usually for no reason and at weird times. For instance, yesterday we had some neighbors over for dinner. We had a great time. The conversation was fun, the children were happy and out of our hair, and I was having a fabulous time. Then for absolutely no reason, when I went to the bathroom, I started to cry.
I wasn't even feeling sad, and there I was trapped in the bathroom, trying to figure out how I was going to hide my suddenly blotchy face and smeared mascara when I opened the door. And I was trying to figure out what had triggered that particular moment of insanity.
I still don't know for sure, but one thing that kept coming to mind was a blog post that I had read a couple of days earlier. I know it seems strange that I would actively read blogs in which people are proudly cheating on their spouses, but in the last year, I have become addicted to the stories of other peoples' blatant infidelity.
But I digress, I was talking about a blog in which a woman wrote a very sexual letter to "Santa", and the playful, creative way in which her lover responded. I reread that several times, thinking that this is what is missing from my life.
So today, while DH was busy, I had a chance to look at the computer again. As I read that blog and many others, and I realized something I didn't know before. I am thinking seriously of having an affair of my own. Not because of a dramatic need for sex - DH and I actually have always clicked well on that front. Not as a way of getting back at DH, because if I wanted to do that, I have enough evidence to get basically anything I wanted in a divorce settlement.
I am considering it because I want the interaction with someone who stimulates me intellectually as well as physically. I want some who is playful in a way that I don't think my husband could ever be. I want someone who would have to actually make an effort to see me and spend time with me.
But will I actually go through with it? I don't know. But I do know that I thought about it a lot today... and for the first time in nearly a year, I spent a full day without breaking into tears.
