I started this blog a couple of months ago, then abruptly stopped, because I really don't know how I feel from day to day. There are some days that I am positive that my husband and I will work everything out, and that I'll get the happily-ever-after that I always believed was our destiny. Some days, I find myself figuring out if I can afford to leave him, how I would pay for rent and food and violin lessons on part time wages and child support. And yet other days, I feel like I should keep living the way we are, put on the perfect show for family and neighbors, but behind closed doors each live our own lives.
I don't think that I am convinced that the first option is possible, and the other two choices make me feel like there is a large chunk of my heart that is being carved away with a dull, rusty knife.
Here's the deal. My husband cheated on me. He didn't have a one night stand, he had a loving, romantic relationship. He has (as far as I know) completely ended things with her, but that hasn't taken away the feelings he had (has) for her. He still gets a fond look in his eyes when he thinks of her, and even though he knows that it hurts me, he defends her actions in their affair completely. He will take all the responsibility (and he should), but he is still protective of her in a way that makes me want to hit something.
My husband is a blogger. Following his electronic footsteps is one of the ways that I became interested in reading blogs. He enjoys the supportive infidelity community in the blogosphere. He writes comments to people which contain heavy flirting (which doesn't bother me) and nearly constant references to how exciting and invigorating his affair was (which bothers me a lot).
I have no reason to believe that my husband's affair was his first experience with infidelity in our marriage, and I highly doubt it will be his last. I do believe that he never meant to fall in love with another woman, and he will attempt to be less emotionally involved in the future. Is that good enough for me? I have no idea. It hurts my feelings more than I can say. But I don't know if it is enough to make me push the eject button on our marriage.
He says he loves me. He says he wants to work it out. He says that our marriage is the most important thing to him. And then he makes a profile on Ashley Madison.
So, what's a girl to do? I wish I knew that there was a chance that at some point I could be enough for him. If I knew that was a possibility, I would keep working towards it. I love him more than I knew was possible, but at what point do I get to start loving myself? At what point, should I be facing the reality that even if he loves me as much as he says (and I believe that he does), he will still always want to find that something more that he gets from other women.
I find myself thinking about having an affair of my own. It would be nice to be appreciated. It would be nice if someone could make me feel beautiful again. It would be nice to have an uncomplicated fuck where the emotions of orgasm didn't send me into tears.
But then, who would I become? Would I like the person I saw in the mirror, or would I just be another statistic in the world of infidelity bloggers?
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But then, who would I become? Would I like the person I saw in the mirror, or would I just be another statistic in the world of infidelity bloggers?
No, you probably wouldn't like the person you saw in the mirror.
From the moment I stepped into this world of infidelity, I've hated what it has made me. It made me a liar. There have been moments of inexplicable joy but mostly it's been sadness and disappointment. Sadness and disappointment in myself for becoming this statistic. I thought I was immune. I thought I was better than this.
You are better than this too. You deserve happiness. We go through this life only once. Do what you need to do to be true to yourself. Don't play 2nd string to anyone. You are worthy of absolute adoration. Don't accept less.
I was in your shoes but not with a cheating husband. Just one that didnt pay any attention to me or respect me for what I did. So I chose the infidelity route. I thought by what some wrote it would be fun and it would be what I needed. It sure is what I needed, I am lying.
I find myself now looking at my husband differently. Because I have someone else on my mind. I should get out but am chosing not to. I am really flirting with disaster and falling hard for this man.
Babe, do what is right for you. You know that you are better than that. Two wrongs dont make a right. Be the bigger person.
@ Hoodie - I think you are right, I wouldn't like the person I would see in the mirror, but I don't like the one that is there right now very much either.
@ mybutton - I don't need absolute adoration, but I would like to be someone's priority ... okay, that's not true, I'd like to be my husband's priority, but I'm not sure how to make that happen.
@ asweetnecter - two wrongs don't make a right, but one wrong doesn't especially make me feel great either. I wish I knew what is right for me.
I can't tell you whether or not to have an affair. I can tell you that your husband is full of shit. If his marriage was the most important thing him, he would not have created an AM profile.
@ Andy - I know that my husband is full of shit, I'm just not sure how much shit I can take before I start to smell as well.
It's amazing how close our stories mirror one another. I understand your questioning, your doubt, your uncertainty, even your desire for an affair of your own. I've felt all the things you've mentioned and probably all the things that are too painful for you to mention yet.
If you ever want to chat with someone going through the same thing, I'm here.
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