There are days when I am happy, busy, and everything seems like it is going to be fine. There are days when I am sad, frustrated, and I think that my world is about to implode. But more and more lately, there are days where I am indecisive, antsy, and my mind starts to race. It's as if I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel restless.
I never used to be this way. I have always been the type of person who loved solitude and quiet time. As a small child, I could spend hours playing with stuffed animals. By the time I hit school, I had begun a love affair with reading that sticks with me to this day. In college, I learned to meditate, and I used to have an amazing ability to completely clear my mind and enjoy the peace.
But lately, if I am not either physically or emotionally busy, I feel fidgety. I am itchy for something to do. My mind starts going through all sorts of 'what if' scenarios. What if DH is still cheating on me? What if we are never going to be better? What if I never feel whole again?
I know that this is the opposite of healthy, and I wish I could make myself stop. But I can't seem to find that calm quietness inside of me anymore.
I can make that edgy feeling go away if I am active, and it disappears when I am feeling any strong emotion. It doesn't matter if I am happy, sad, or angry. Sex is also a wonderful diversion, but since that tends to be my cure for everything, I'm sure none of you are surprised.
But no matter what I do during the day... or even into the night, there are always those quiet minutes, laying in the dark, waiting for sleep to come. Those are the hardest moments. Waiting for rest and becoming restless.
11 comments:
I completely understand what you are feeling. It can be really hard. I usually find that it happens on my long drive to and from work. Lots of conversations with myself, in which I get frustrated, pissed off, cry, and yell!
I can relate. I'm in one of those restless moments myself, albeit the questions swirling around my head are much different than yours. What the fuck am I doing? Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so afraid? What is it I really, truly want.
I hate those restless moments. I need to go back to yoga. It always helped me get centered.
Ah. Yes.
Those moments between the time I turn the light out and the time I actually fall asleep: The Most Dangerous Moments of the Day.
I mean, look at me here, I was in fact in bed at a reasonable hour, but then I had to go and start thinking. Here it is 2AM and I'm reading blogs. Oy!
If it's during the daytime my standard answer is the gym. Sometimes the driving range.
Of course, those times when I find myself reacting to circumstances, to other people, wondering what they'll do next...well, it's also the perfect time to plan my counteroffensive. Life is so much more fun when people are reacting to us rather than the other way around.
(I feel I must warn you that this mindset carries an increased risk of, well, let's just say using your powers for evil.)
This is a tough one…especially when I put myself in your shoes. I would have trouble not wondering if my spouse will continue to be true. Helen aptly named those moments, The Most Dangerous Moments of the Day. I have learned to block them at bed time. However, I wake up during the night…and then the trouble begins.
I wish I had an answer for you. The only thing I’ve found is to keep my mind active. Thinking of my next blog post sometimes helps too.
@ ChocDrop - I have those same conversations... although I am much more likely to cry than yell.
@ Kyra - What is it I really truly want is a fabulous question.
@ Helen - Those are the most dangerous moments of the day, but I also play out possible conversations in my head and figure out a good comeback to a potential comment. I'm a big fan of using my powers for evil. (insert maniacal laugh here)
@ Unbroken - Waking up during the night with those thoughts would be awful... but I'm glad to hear you are planning more blog posts. :-)
DIFFICULT, for me to read this because of who I am and that iv also caused hurt. But your writing is the truth none the less.
It has been a while since you've shared a new post...
just checking on you, and I hope you are OK.
SH
Those what-ifs don't go away very quickly, do they?
I think it's hardest when maybe you ignored (or were happily plunging into denial about) things back when they were cheating. Now those scenarios come up and you think... hmmmm.
Hope you're doing well though.
Whatver happened to you?
*whatever*
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