A couple weeks ago, I was chatting with another blogger who happens to be very involved in BDSM. She was telling me how she and her husband got started in their lifestyle and explaining what it means that she has agreed to be 'owned' by her husband. The mutual trust involved in this is really amazing. What began as a sexual fantasy for them now is a driving force in almost every aspect of their lives.
While I have no interest in having a steady diet of BDSM, I must admit that I enjoy the flavor of it liberally sprinkled into my sex life.
There is an amazing freedom involved in being tied up. The restraints prevent me from stopping an experience because it is new or different. I enjoy being put on display in a manor that does not allow me modesty. I love being a sexual object.
Being blindfolded is another of my favorite activities. I am not overly visual when it comes to arousal, so I lose very little by not being able to see. On the other hand, it is amazing how much sensation is gained. It is as if I develop new, extra nerve endings when I cannot see. Each kiss, each caress is amplified. Hot and cold take on new meaning. Anticipation and uncertainty add to the experience.
Finding the line where pleasure and pain intersect is also intense. Don't get me wrong, I have no interest in experiencing actual pain, but with the right amount of foreplay and arousal, it is amazing how incredible the slight burn of hot wax can feel. Careful flogging or a well placed smack with a leather strap can make the nerves in my skin so much more responsive. And better than any of those is the feel of my husband's hand reddening the skin on my ass.
But the common thread in all of those activities is what I actually draws me to them all. I love the dominance that my husband displays, and I love to submit to what he wants. There is no happier feeling than having his hand fisted in my hair, controlling me. No safer place to be than trapped beneath him with my arms pinned above my head.
But like every other aspect of my life, there is an amazing amount of trial and error built into these activities. Some days our forays into the world of Domination/submission are exhilarating, freeing and fulfilling, but other times, they frustrate me because I want something more or different than what is happening.
That frustration soon became the subject of my conversation with the other blogger. I was telling her that I am normally pretty good at verbalizing what I need sexually. I have very little difficulty asking for things to be faster, slower, harder, or at a different angle. It takes almost nothing away from my experience to request what I need in order to climax.
It is different though, when I am being submissive. Sometimes I want him to show more force. Sometimes I want a bit more pain. Often, I want my husband to talk to me like he owns me. If I ask, he is more than happy to oblige, but then I loose a lot of the pleasure that these things would normally give me.
My blogger friend tells me that what I was doing is 'topping from the bottom', meaning that since I was telling my DH what to do, I was actually being the dominant partner ... which is not what I was looking for in these sessions at all.
What I want, apparently, is for DH to read my mind. Unfortunately, this has to be a difficult task, because I change my mind on a fairly regular basis.
And it isn't only during sex that I feel that way.
Do you remember the movie, The Break-Up? During a scene when they are fighting, they have the following conversation. (I haven't looked it up, so I'm sorry if it isn't exact.)
Vince Vaughn: Fine, I'll do the dishes.
Jennifer Aniston: I don't want you to do the dishes, I want you to want to do the dishes.
Vince Vaughn: Why on earth would I want to do the dishes?!
I could be Jennifer Aniston's character. I don't just want my needs met, I want DH to read my mind and no what those needs are without me telling him ... even when my needs may be bewildering to him.
I know this isn't fair. I understand that I can't really expect my husband to read my mind. I realize that this is just an exercise in frustration for both of us. But still, I can't help but wish.
Because even if it isn't fair, it's just not satisfying to be topping from the bottom.
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6 comments:
Is it too much to expect that our partner knows us so well that they can anticipate our needs? I'm not sure. I think sometimes that women have better intuition and pay more attention to details. Or maybe it is me vs. my husband.
I'm always amazed at how little he seems to know me. Little things, like that I don't like peach flavored drinks. How often do I need to tell him? Or that he always buys me lamps for birthdays and Christmas when *he* is the one who loves neat lamps.
Or that I would like him to dominate me in bed. And you're right, topping from the bottom makes no sense.
Great post. Lemme know if you ever figure this one out...
I have to admit that giving over total control is hard for me but there is a trust factor.
I have thought about dominating though. Don't think my husband could handle that, although I think he is the submissive type, he couldn't handle pain, but it is something I have really thought about.
Thanks for the post on Unbroken. My thoughts exactly.
@ Kyra - I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for me to figure anything out.
@ ChocDrop - Domination and pain are 2 completely separate things. While they often are complementary, they don't have to go together. Maybe try a little light bondage or some dominate role play. That's how we got started
@ ReflexVE - You're welcome, but my comment was probably more important for me to say than it was for him to hear.
I was wondering why my ears were burning…
First off, I had never thought about how being blindfolded could bring your other senses to life. Very interesting observation – and completely logical! Second, not that you want my opinion, but I’m wondering if you told your husband you want him to be more dominating. Tell him that when you are OUTSIDE the bedroom so you don’t lose your momentum when you’re IN the bedroom.
Lastly, I appreciated both of your comments on my blog (you and ReflexVE). I’ve received some very strong opinions and ideas since tossing the question out there as to which side of the fence to lean to. Some may call it indecisive. I call it being thoughtful, as I continue to sit. And think.
Oh…and Seeking? You’re husband’s a lucky man to have you.
@ Unbroken - The post script to your comment made my night. Thank you.
And you are absolutely right about me needing to talk to my husband about the dominance when we are away from the situation. Seeing how much I brood about everything, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it hadn't occurred to me to talk out the details of one of those sessions when we are completely separated from it. Normally, discussing what I want is part of foreplay or in the moment. I don't know why that is.
I think I foresee a potentially hot conversation in my near future. I just need to figure out a time to have this talk ...
Good luck as you continue to think.
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