I met with Kathleen again today, and we discussed happiness.
I have always considered myself a very happy person. I used to always have a smile on my face to the point that my mother warned me that I was going to develop wrinkles from constantly scrunching my face.
Then, for many months after I found out about DH's affair, I completely lost the ability to smile. It was as if the muscles in my face were paralyzed by the shock.
Now, I am finding my smile again. When I am at work, I am back to my old smiley self. With the kids, I am laughing the way I used to. In social situations, I am once again "the happy one". But with my husband, I have not found that happy place yet.
It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just that I don't have the same sunny outlook with my marriage that I feel in the rest of my life. I used to, and I can't help but worry that it isn't bouncing back.
So Kathleen decided to have me do an exercise. She asked me to name the top five things that I need to be happy in my marriage. She didn't want me to think about it; I was just supposed to name five things off the top of my head. Here's what I came up with:
1. Love
2. Trust
3. Security
4. Acceptance
5. Touch
We then discussed the reasons behind my answers. The only answer that surprised her was touch, but for me that's a biggie. I need the physical reassurance of holding hands, or cuddling, or hugging, or playing footsie. Even just sitting next to DH with our legs casually touching makes me feel more centered and secure.
The answer that I didn't give which surprised her was monogamy. Apparently, after surviving marital infidelity, that's high on most people's lists. But honestly, that isn't something I need for happiness. If my husband had been honest with me from the start, I might have agreed to some version of an open marriage. Unfortunately, at this point we don't have the trust that that sort of marriage requires.
Kathleen wants me to spend some time this week thinking about which of those the things on my list I already have. She also wants me to really think about whether or not I am willing to allow myself to receive the other items on my list. My happiness is, after all, my responsibility.
But it's hard to trust when you are still afraid.
.
Now, I think it's time for group therapy. What are the five things that you need to feel happy in your marriage? How many of them do you think you have? Do you think there's something missing from your list that most other people have on theirs? Do you think this whole therapy thing is a bunch of crap?
Enquiring minds want to know. I want to know!
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13 comments:
You know, I sat down and gave your question a try and I was surprised by how persistently I framed things not as things I wanted, but things I wanted to be free of.
There's this great passage in The Handmaid's Tale where one of the female trustees in what amounts to a reeducation camp says: "There's more than one kind of freedom...Freedom to and freedom from. In the days of anarchy, it was freedom to. Now you are being given freedom from. Don't underestimate it."
Chilling to realize I have so much in common with that (fictional) hardcase.
There was really only one thing that immediately came to my mind.
I want to be wanted.
I could make up another four. But really? We'd just be wasting our time.
You really have me thinking. I was like you with the smiling thing. I don't have a sunny outlook on my marriage, although I am still trying to fight for it in some small way.
In my five things, I didn't choose manogamy. He has not cheated but it feels that way, not being chosen feels that way.
I also need the physical touch, to feel close. There isn't that at all.
1. Love
2. Honesty
3. Sex
4. Touch
5. Security
I definetly don't have the sex, been right at 2 months.
I don't have touch unless you count the peck on the lips.
Security, I have some what. He will make sure I have anything I want that does not contain anything physical at this point.
Honesty, is not there!
Wow, this sucks, but very eye-opening.
What is missing is like Helen said, I NEED to be WANTED!!!!
I truly think therapy helps, I have been taught things I had not considered. I have learned so much being here in blog land about me and my so-called relationship.
I wrote a post once. And I might say that my answers could change regularly. So I'll go back and look at that post to see what I said then.
1. Partnership
2. Shared outlook (goals, values, etc)
3. Love
4. Sex / affection / touch
5. Security
But most of all I think today I'd settle for a drug-free home.
I'm not sure how much I need to be wanted unless you mean needing to be desired. I've never doubted I am wanted. I'm not desired at all.
As far as therapy. I'm a fan. But it has to be the right person and situation. And you have to open up to the possibilities, but don't lose yourself in it. They don't know everything and you need to understand when you disagree and think they are full of it, that's okay. Of course a good therapist would welcome that.
Oh shit this one's easy:
1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Sex
4. Sex
5. More Sex
Probably not my real list, but ya know, when you're not breathing, air's more important than anything else in the world.
What a great question! I've been thinking about it a bunch and not coming up with good answers. (I'm not a big fan of writing down the first things that come to my mind, because that has historically been a poor predictor of my true feelings.)
1) Communication
2) Love/Friendship
3) Affection/Touch/Sex
4) Trust/Trustworthy
5) Joy/Humor
#1) It is important that my wife and I be able to communicate. Whether that is talking about money or sex or raising the kids or career or faith or whatever. It makes for the shared partnership that is a marriage. It doesn't mean we will always agree, but it means we can tell the other what we are thinking and feeling.
#2) It is necessary to like the person you are married to. This is different from sexual attraction. This is the fact that I like to be with my wife. I don't want her to hurt, nor does she like to see me unhappy.
#3) That's what we're all here for, right? We all feel like we aren't getting as much as we want. But for me it is not just the sex. It is the affection and the kind touching. While I would like to say that this includes being wanted (in that animalistic passionate way), I think I would be satisfied with someone who enjoys touching me and being touched by me.
#4) I need to be able to trust my wife. It is also important that she trust me. Of course, I also need to be worthy of that trust and she needs worthy of my trust. That includes basic competence with the children and with finances, not just keeping promises made.
#5) There needs to be joy and fun in living life. My wife must smile on occasion, just as I need to be joyful. Telling jokes. Smiling more often than not. This is all part of what makes for a happy marriage.
I notice many other commenters have included security on their list. I know my wife makes about the same (a little more) amount of money as I do, so we both have independence and financial security on our own. Crime and war are not a concern because of where we live. I am fortunate to have a wife who is very independent, emotionally tough and mentally strong. I might feel differently if I had fallen in love with a different woman.
Great exercise. Thanks for the seed.
So I went back and looked at my post on the topic and here is what I wrote about what I was looking for at the time that I got married:
1. Someone who would be a true partner. I wanted to be a career woman and needed for my spouse to be willing to share all responsibilities with me and support me in reaching any of my career goals.
2. I wanted a person who would be a caring and nurturing father – not just to share childcare responsibilities like diaper changing, etc., but also someone who was willing to show affection to them and nurture them.
3. I wanted someone who was my best friend, who I could share everything with, who I could talk politics with, who I could laugh with and who I would want to spend time with.
4. I wanted someone who was looking for the same things as me: to raise a family and establish a comfortable life (not necessarily to live in luxury, but certainly to have more than just basic needs met.)
5. I wanted someone with whom I would share a great sex life.
Isn't it interesting that this is very similar to the quick list I put together? And yet, what each of those five, one or two word things means to me has changed over time. A partner is no longer someone who will support me in my career, but who will contribute equally both financially and at home. My basic needs have not changed, but perhaps what it would take to meet them has...
And that is kinda what my whole post was trying to say.
Great post, BTW.
I read this post yesterday and have thought about it since then. Now I read through the comments and I laughed out loud at hoodie’s list! It could be mine as well…
Here’s what I have:
1. Love
2. Sex/intimacy
3. Communication
4. Best friends!
5. More sex – because we love each other, we’re best pals and we love to talk and share our life together. And what a better way to show that than through the intimacy that can be shared by two people in love!
Sigh. If only…
1. honesty
2. good sex
3. love
4. respect for partner
5. sex again maybe
I dont really have many of those lately. Normally at least the sex is good. Not so much lately but that is cyclical.
@ Helen - I want to be wanted too. I think that everything else I have said comes to 2 points. I want to be wanted, and I want to be enough. Sigh.
@ ChocDrop - The lists are hard to really look at, aren't they? But you're right, Helen nailed it on the head about being wanted. I think I should have her write my blog, because she has an amazing ability to express what I feel.
But be careful about how much you learn about your relationship from blogland. This is something I remind myself of all the time. All of these blogs are little more than a one dimensional, prejudiced glimpse into something incredibly complex. There seems to be so much clarity looking at words printed on a screen, but in a way, its all just smoke and mirrors.
@ Kyra - I do want to be desired, but that's not what I meant when I said I want to be wanted. For me, being wanted is a mix of everything else that has been mentioned.
As far as your current list goes, it doesn't surprise me at all that you put a drug-free home above everything else. It seems to be a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs sort of thing. You can't worry about the higher level needs until the basics have been taken care of.
@ hoodie - I know it's your list and all, but I was thinking maybe #6 should be sex.
@ Mr. B - Great list, and I love the reasoning behind it. As far as security goes, for me it goes beyond the physical security (although that's incredibly important too) and is even more about the emotional security of knowing that I am in a stable relationship.
@ Kyra - I think that we seldom know what we truly want and need until we feel the lack of those things. I'm not surprised that the items on your list have changed.
@ Unbroken - I didn't put best friend on my original list, but it should be on there. I miss being pals with my husband. I'd trade you a little sex for some of your happy companionship.
We always want what we don't have, don't we?
@ anonymous - Respect is another important one for the list. But looking at your list makes me curious about your gender. I'm guessing male. Am I right?
@SA Sigh indeed. In the end, I did win back my husband's affections. Even so, I'm left with some unsettling questions: why did he turn away from me, and now that he's back, will he stay? As the great philosopher Donald Rumsfeld says, "You've got your known unknowns, and your unknown unknowns."
@seeking
Yes, male. heh.
#6 Sex
Thanks SA. Totally forgot about this one...
But yes, reading these comments, really that would be a result of what I really want: To be wanted and to be enough.
(also, agreed 100% on the hazards of blog reading)
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