It's been a couple of weeks since I posted, because I can't seem to keep my emotions going in one direction long enough to write things down. One day I'm optimistic, the next I am sure it will never work. Back and forth, riding my emotional roller coaster, hoping that I have enough momentum to make it through the next loop.
Today I received an email from someone who had been reading my blog, and I knew I needed to write again. Here is a short excerpt from a page long email:
Your blog shows that you are not functioning well in your life. The fact that you are questioning whether or not you are bipolar shows that while you obviously don't know very much about psychiatry, you do know you need help. You talk about your children, and you should think about what's best for them.
At the very least, you should consider medication, but more likely, you need a combination of inpatient and outpatient treatment to get your issues under control before you do something you regret.
Well... I'm not sure what to say to that except ...Thank you for your concern?
I'm not sure what exactly I wrote which elicited this sort of concern, but in reality, I am a very functional person. I get out of bed every day, shower, get dressed, get my family fed and on their way to their various activities. Three days a week, I work outside the home, everyday of the week, I take care of my family. I compartmentalize myself enough that even if I am very worried and depressed about my marriage, I can still function in the rest of my life. I may cry a lot, but I also laugh everyday. People can argue about whether or not that's a healthy way to live, but for me, right now, it's the only way.
I also got a much nicer comment from Suburban Hotwife:
Checking in on you... it's been nearly 2 weeks since you posted and I hope you are OK.
Yes, I am okay. Thank you. I actually do appreciate your concern. I've just needed time to sort out my thoughts a bit.
****
Yesterday, I met with Kathleen, my therapist again. I really do like her very much. She only lets me ramble for a little bit before she redirects me to actually think about what I am saying or feeling. Yesterday, when she did this, I had one of those "Aha!" moments were the light bulb goes off above your head.
I was rambling about some of the guilt that I feel about not being enough for my husband and him then looking to fill that void outside our marriage.
Kathleen: Let me stop you for a moment. I want you to quantify as a percentage, how much of the fault for your husband's affair rests on your shoulders. I'm not talking about any of the other issues in your marriage, just the affair. What percent of the affair is your fault?
Me: (thinking for a moment) 35%
Kathleen: Why do you say that?
Me: Well, I knew there were issues with my job, and I didn't communicate with him very well-
Kathleen interrupts me: Wait, we aren't talking about whose fault the communication issues are, just the affair. Taking out the communication problems, what percentage of the affair was your fault?
Me (thinking again): 25%?
Kathleen: Why?
Me: I know that the kids are busier than ever, and pull us in opposite directions. I didn't make sure -
Kathleen: We aren't talking about parental stress here either. Just the affair. I don't want you to give me a percentage about any other problem or stress in the marriage. Just the affair. His affair. How much of his affair is your fault?
Me (stammering because I don't know what she wants to hear): Well, um, I guess...
Kathleen: Don't make excuses for the affair, or give me reasons why it was okay. Right now I don't want you to make any judgement about the affair except what percentage of it is your fault.
Me (completely at a loss for words): I don't understand.
Kathleen: Yes, you do. How much of the actual affair is your fault?
Me: Ummm....
Kathleen: Did you find TOW online? Did you start emailing her? Did you meet with her? Did you sleep with her?
Me (pouting, but I don't know why): No
Kathleen: Okay, then how much of the affair was your fault?
Me (almost whispering): None.
Kathleen: Why can't you look at me when you say that? How much of the affair was your fault?
Me (starting to cry): None.
Kathleen: Why does it upset you that the affair isn't your fault?
Me: I don't know.
Kathleen: There is plenty of blame to go around in your marriage for many of the other issues, but the affair was a choice. It was your husband's choice. That is not your fault. The affair is not your fault.
Me (crying): But...
Kathleen: Why do you want it to be your fault?
Me: Because it's easier to be mad at myself than him.
Kathleen: Why? Why don't you want to be mad at him?
Me: Because I don't want to get a divorce. I don't want my marriage to end.
Kathleen: If you believe that the affair is all his fault, does it mean your marriage is over?
Me: I don't know.
Kathleen: You just said that you don't want your marriage to be over, don't you think that's more important than the fact that the affair isn't your fault?
Me (stammering again): Maybe.
Kathleen: Do you realize that you can be angry with your husband and still love him? You can be pissed off and still stay married, and if you're honest with yourself, and you both put the work into it, your marriage can come out of this stronger. The affair will always be there. Nothing is going to make it go away, but just like having the affair was his choice, how you deal with it is yours. But no matter what you decide, the affair was not your fault.
****
Hmmm, it's given me a lot to think about.
11 comments:
I like Kathleen.
Glad to hear you are doing OK. My care is genuine, which is why I checked in a few days ago. I am learning that we all handle things differently as I ride my own roller coaster, albeit a different twister than the one you are on.
Take care of you, SH
Speaking as someone who is not a psychiatric professional by any stretch of the imagination, I'm not sure how someone thinks they can diagnose your mental state based upon a few blog posts.
But I am glad to hear you're doing well. And I think I understand (all too well) what you're feeling and also that your therapist is right. It is appealing to blame yourself, but you didn't cause his affair. Which doesn't mean, of course, that you can't try to fix the underlying issues that made him think it was OK to do what he did.
At least that's what I think :)
Thank you for your post ..givin me something to think about myself ..
Good post. I am happy to hear that you are surviving. My wife has been suffering from depression, but is also high functioning - she still goes to work and cares for the kids and such. Just because you are active, doesn't mean there aren't additional concerns.
It is very good that you are getting counseling. It is so important to get help from others on your road to recovery. You are not responsible for your husband's affair. He had many options other than cheating; in particular, he could have talked to you about what he was thinking and feeling.
Keep it up. You can do it.
First of all, I always find it interesting how the people who read our blogs come to conclusions based upon the small pieces of our lives we choose to share here.
And I love your therapist. This exchange reminds me of Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams says, "It's not your fault". It's true, you know. It's something broken in your husbands psyche. It wasn't you.
I think I'm going to start looking for a therapist of my own.
I still think you should confront him and settle up on "full dislosure" from now on. If he's currently engaged with someone else, you want to kill that connection before it develops further.
Treat it as a war, everything's fair.
@ Suburban Hotwife - I know that your care is genuine, and I very much appreciate it. I hope your roller coaster is a safer ride than mine. Oh, and I like Kathleen too ... except for those moments that I hate her. ;-)
@ hoodie - I don't put a lot of stock in emails that come from a dead address so you can't reply to them. I really do want to believe that this person meant well. And, I appreciate your support. I hope things are improving for you.
@ Anonymous - We're both going to spend some times thinking about this one.
@ Mr. B - I realize that despite the fact that I am functioning, I still need help with my emotions, but I am taking babysteps, and slowly I think I am improving.
@ mybutton - I think people want to prove that there is a quick fix and I think most people do mean well, but this one rubbed me the wrong way. I really like this therapist too. She is much different from the first therapist I saw. I wish I would have looked for a better therapist sooner, but I can't live my life through what ifs. Good luck to you.
@ Anonymous - I have to do things in my own time and my own way. I'm not saying that you are wrong, but that's just not where I am right now. I have talked to my therapist about it. I'm working on myself right now, then I deal with him.
Oh, I like Kathleen a LOT. Very well done. And good for you.
Can you do me a favor? Can you please send the following to the person who send you that email?
"Thanks you so much for your concern and your thinly veiled insults. Why don't you shut your fucking cake hole and quit trying to diagnose me based what small parts of my life I choose to share on my blog. I'll worry about my own children, fuck you very much."
Whoever sent that email is one of the biggest pompous douche bags I've seen in a while.
I'd modify Andy's suggestion in one very important way
I'd substitute "pie hole" for "cake hole".
I think it flows better in the sentence :)
@ andy & hoodie - Thanks, that's exactly what I needed to read. Unfortunately, I can't send the message back by email, because the person who sent it to me sent it from an address that seems to no longer exist. (I tried emailing back from 2 different accounts just to make sure the person hadn't block-sendered me.) But I bet that anyone who took the time to write a full page email probably is coming by and reading these comments.
Pfffft. We call people like that "nevahminds" because we never mind their comments or opinions.
Unfortunately, as bloggers, we put ourselves out there for comment, and hope that the commenters will be on the same level and respect the vulnerability offered. Sometimes people pick commenting to air their particular bully characteristics. "Nevahminds".
I like your therapist...alot!
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