Replying to Comments

In the couple of months that I've been blogging, I've been amazed and touched by the people who have taken the time to email me or leave me comments. I never really thought that anyone would be interested in reading this blog, let alone taking the time to comment, but I have to tell you, I really love getting the comments.

I have tried to acknowledge or answer as many of the comments as I can, and I often end up leaving comments that are as long as the blog post to do so. But after my last post, I got a couple of comments that need a bit more than a passing comment from me, so I thought I would put them into a post.

First, I recieved this comment from an anonymous reader. I wanted to reply to it here, because I have gotten multiple comments and emails that ask this same question, and I think it deserves a thoughtful answer. Here's the comment:

Don't take this the wrong way, but why would you let someone else effect you that much? Face it, you married a cheater. I've seen statistics that almost half of married men are cheaters. You don't see half of all married women losing it the way you have. If I were you, I'd divorce him and move on. Why are you staying with someone who makes you feel like shit?

My answers to this are probably going to seem cold, but I'm trying to keep this real.

Have you ever noticed that when someone starts a statement with "no offense", "don't take this the wrong way", or "don't take this personally" whatever follows the "but" is going to be offensive, pointed, and personal? But that's okay, I understand the frustration with my dwelling on the past. I'm frustrated too.

But when you talk about the fact that you don't think other people react the way I have to being cheated on, my question for you is how do you know? I can tell you that if you lived next door to me, or worked with me, or even if you were a member of my family, you would not think that I was feeling the way I have been. I have been very, very effective at hiding this in my real life, and even people who are very close to me have no idea that this is all going on in my life. People know that I've been a little down, a little blue, but all in all, I am a very functional, appearantly normal in my real life. You never can tell what is going on in someone else's life. Also, I really am only showing one aspect of my life in this blog.

The divorce question comes up a lot, so I want to address it. Here's the thing - I am not positive that my marriage is going to survive, but I want it to, and I am trying hard to give it a fighting chance The way this comment said I should divorce my husband and move on actually made me laugh a little. I don't know that divorce is ever that simple, but in my case, I know without a doubt that it would not be.

To start, just from a practical, economical standpoint, it would be very difficult for us to be divorced. Financially, if we were not working together, we could not afford the lifestyle that we are trying to give our children. I know that that is not the reason that people should stay married, but let's be honest, it's a very important consideration.

Next, there is no divorcing and just moving on. Even if we were no longer married, we have two children, therefore we will always have to be a part of each other's lives. We are going to have to find a way to resolve our issues and work together whether or not we're married.

Plus, we are both very hands on as parents. I am relatively sure that if we divorced, I would probsbly retain primary physical custody of the kids. That would mean that my kids would probably be with their father every other weekend and one day a week. I don't know what about that makes me more sad, the fact that my children would only see their father 8 days a month, or the fact that I would miss 8 days of my children's lives every single month.

Most importantly, I don't want to get divorced. I love my husband and despite everything, I honestly do believe that he loves me too. I don't know for sure that that love is going to be enough, but I do know that if it's not, there is going to be a gaping whole in my heart. He has been a major part of my entire adult life. I met him when I was in college. I honestly have no idea what it wouldbe like not to have him in my life.

Lastly, I want to address the part about DH making me feel like shit. I readily admit that in the last 14 months, I have frequently felt like shit. And I am in no way giving my husband a free pass here, but it's not all his fault. One of the few things that I know for sure is that his actions can certainly be a catalyst for my negative feelings about myself, but he couldn't make me feel like shit if I didn't have issues with my own self worth to begin with.

I am learning that for the last decade I have put a lot of effort into being a mom and a wife and not a lot of effort into being me for me. I think this happens to a lot of women after they have kids, and it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I'm putting myself back together though, and one way or another, I'm going to be okay.

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This post actually took longer than I thought it was going to, so I will answer Suburban Hotwife's questions in my next post. She asked a lot of questions, and it actually did me a lot of good to come up with the answers.