I hope that everyone had a wonderful St. Patrick's Day, filled with joy, laughter, and green beer. Although the Irish portion of my heritage is about as prevalent as Obama's, I have always faithfully celebrated St. Paddy's Day by wearing green and stuffing myself with corned beef and cabbage. And while I did those things today, I really don't feel like celebrating because I also had my 2nd therapy session.
I don't know if its just me, or if this is a normal reaction, but after doing nothing but sitting and talking for 50 minutes, I am left feeling tired, wrung out, and introspective. I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch mindless TV. I didn't talk about anything too surprising, I wasn't shocked by any revelations, nothing amazing happened. Yet here I am, feeling like I was run over by a small truck.
So instead of a thoughtful or thought provoking post, I just feel like writing a bunch of unrelated thoughts as they occur to me.
1. - My new nephew is perfect, with his itty-bitty fingernails, his cloudy blue eyes, and his fuzzy head (which has that fabulous baby smell). He and my sister went home from the hospital on Saturday and I am sad that I live an hour and a half away from them, because I would love to drop by every day just to see how quickly he changes. There's just something irresistible about a new baby.
2. - When I was holding my nephew on Saturday, my mom made a comment that she hoped that DH and I decide to have another baby, because I looked more content holding him than I have looked in a long time. So it seems that my family isn't totally oblivious to the fact that I have had an awful year, but my mother is attributing it to my rapidly aging biological clock. For the record, I have no intention or desire to have any more children. I am very happy with the size of the family that I have right now.
3. - The optimism that I was feeling the other day has proved to be an elusive thing, slipping through my fingers each time I think I've finally grasped it. It is just another aspect of the roller coaster of my life.
4. - When DH or I feel insecure, we try to make things better with sex. When we are mad at each other, sometimes we have angry sex, sometimes we have no sex at all. Yesterday, I don't even know what we were fighting about, but for some reason we were snipping at each other. At bedtime, I did my normal 'we've been fighting, so now let's get a little nookie' rub of his arm. (I don't know why I always start by rubbing his arm, but I bet that 90% of the times that I initiate sex begin with my fingernails gently sliding down DH's arm.) He didn't just turn me down, he actually laughed as he turned away and said, " I don't think so. Not tonight."
Then, this morning, he kissed me goodbye when he went to work, as if nothing happened. He's at a HOA meeting right now, but before he left, he patted my ass and very suggestively told me that he'd hurry home. WTF?
5. - Hoodie wrote a post today that talked about the necessity of a complete break when an affair ends. I tried to comment about 3 times, but couldn't figure out what I was trying to say. I've been thinking about it, and from my perspective, on the other side of the affair, I see no possible way of anything working in a marriage if that complete separation doesn't happen.
In my opinion, (having never been there, so you all are welcome to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about) people think they are feeling stronger emotions than they really are when they are caught in an affair. Everything is enhanced by the adrenaline of the affair, and nothing about the affair is actually real. It is two people constructing a fantasy together in which real life is merely a spice. But it seems that the people don't fully realize that they are in that world of make-believe until the affair ends. If they try to remain friends, they never gain enough distance to acquire perspective, and they keep getting sucked back into the fantasy.
In addition, without that complete break, the spouse will never regain enough trust to help rebuild the marriage, and without both people fully present in the relationship, it doesn't stand a chance. Or at least that's how I feel.
6. - Okay, I didn't intend to write anything that heavy, but I guess it was on my mind. I need to try to get my thoughts more under control before DH gets home, so I am going to stop writing now. I think I will end this St. Patrick's Day post with a couple of my favorite Irish proverbs.
May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.
I don't know if its just me, or if this is a normal reaction, but after doing nothing but sitting and talking for 50 minutes, I am left feeling tired, wrung out, and introspective. I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch mindless TV. I didn't talk about anything too surprising, I wasn't shocked by any revelations, nothing amazing happened. Yet here I am, feeling like I was run over by a small truck.
So instead of a thoughtful or thought provoking post, I just feel like writing a bunch of unrelated thoughts as they occur to me.
1. - My new nephew is perfect, with his itty-bitty fingernails, his cloudy blue eyes, and his fuzzy head (which has that fabulous baby smell). He and my sister went home from the hospital on Saturday and I am sad that I live an hour and a half away from them, because I would love to drop by every day just to see how quickly he changes. There's just something irresistible about a new baby.
2. - When I was holding my nephew on Saturday, my mom made a comment that she hoped that DH and I decide to have another baby, because I looked more content holding him than I have looked in a long time. So it seems that my family isn't totally oblivious to the fact that I have had an awful year, but my mother is attributing it to my rapidly aging biological clock. For the record, I have no intention or desire to have any more children. I am very happy with the size of the family that I have right now.
3. - The optimism that I was feeling the other day has proved to be an elusive thing, slipping through my fingers each time I think I've finally grasped it. It is just another aspect of the roller coaster of my life.
4. - When DH or I feel insecure, we try to make things better with sex. When we are mad at each other, sometimes we have angry sex, sometimes we have no sex at all. Yesterday, I don't even know what we were fighting about, but for some reason we were snipping at each other. At bedtime, I did my normal 'we've been fighting, so now let's get a little nookie' rub of his arm. (I don't know why I always start by rubbing his arm, but I bet that 90% of the times that I initiate sex begin with my fingernails gently sliding down DH's arm.) He didn't just turn me down, he actually laughed as he turned away and said, " I don't think so. Not tonight."
Then, this morning, he kissed me goodbye when he went to work, as if nothing happened. He's at a HOA meeting right now, but before he left, he patted my ass and very suggestively told me that he'd hurry home. WTF?
5. - Hoodie wrote a post today that talked about the necessity of a complete break when an affair ends. I tried to comment about 3 times, but couldn't figure out what I was trying to say. I've been thinking about it, and from my perspective, on the other side of the affair, I see no possible way of anything working in a marriage if that complete separation doesn't happen.
In my opinion, (having never been there, so you all are welcome to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about) people think they are feeling stronger emotions than they really are when they are caught in an affair. Everything is enhanced by the adrenaline of the affair, and nothing about the affair is actually real. It is two people constructing a fantasy together in which real life is merely a spice. But it seems that the people don't fully realize that they are in that world of make-believe until the affair ends. If they try to remain friends, they never gain enough distance to acquire perspective, and they keep getting sucked back into the fantasy.
In addition, without that complete break, the spouse will never regain enough trust to help rebuild the marriage, and without both people fully present in the relationship, it doesn't stand a chance. Or at least that's how I feel.
6. - Okay, I didn't intend to write anything that heavy, but I guess it was on my mind. I need to try to get my thoughts more under control before DH gets home, so I am going to stop writing now. I think I will end this St. Patrick's Day post with a couple of my favorite Irish proverbs.
May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.
May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.
12 comments:
1. Congrats again. :) This makes me wish one of my siblings were expecting again. Best start bugging them about it.
4. Ouch. I'm sorry. Rejection stinks in any scenario, but when sex is used to heal, to reject is also to reject something bigger than the sex, it would seem.
5. I think the emotions are real and are as strong as they seem, but the situation that causes them is not. I always compare it to being in a bubble. A bubble with no daily worries that drain; bills, kids, the 1,000th time he doesn't put the toothpaste cap back on.
Throw any of those little life stress-makers at an affair and suddenly nothing looks quite as shiny as it would have.
So that's just a really long way of saying yeah, you're right. :) [Though I would argue that the level of awareness of the bubble BEING a bubble can make a huge difference in going back to reality smoothly--with or without contact.]
My only experience with recovery after an affair and betrayal is that life starts to resemble the proverbial emotional rollercoaster. But the highs and lows will start to mellow, friend. They just will.
And just as you felt that palpable love yesterday - and the sting of rejection last night - tomorrow you will feel something different. But it will be something better. That is the beauty of healing.
(I am sorry you are still going through the "rebreaking and setting of the bones" in therapy...that part really, really sucks. But it's mandatory. :))
I'm with Terri about the roller coaster. As for the "no contact" ... well, it's interesting. With my wife's affairs, I never insisted on any such thing. I gritted my teeth and told myself I could live with the fact that from time to time she would be fucking somebody else. I didn't like it one bit -- and at the beginning, especially, it was very hard. But what I found was that the affairs burnt themselves out over time. Wife would get into a fight with the boyfriend (or girlfriend) and the two of them would storm off in different directions. And I'd still be there, to help Wife pick up the pieces. (Of course, Wife has trouble getting along with people anyway.)
I oversimplify. After her second affair I told her I didn't thnk I could take any more of this, so could she please stop? So she did ... for about four years, I think ... and then when she started her next affair she took extra precautions to hide it from me. That wasn't quite what I'd had in mind, and by that time I could tell pretty easily when she was lying to me. But by the time we got past all the denials and misdirections, I was too tired to care so much any more. She ended up breaking off with him, too, in the end. (And the two who came after him.)
So it depends partly on how persistent you think you can be .... Not that I even pretend that is encouraging advice.
SA:
First, let me say how absofuckinglutely jealous I am that you can EVER (not to mention routinely) use sex to make things better. Of course, if that had been the tool used in my marriage, well then the thing we needed to feel better about wouldn't have been an issue in the first place (you can't use sex to fix the problem of not having sex!!!).
Having said that, I feel for you (truly) on the rejection front. Ugh. I bet it'll be over by the time you read this comment (sounds like it will be, based upon your post...)
And second, thanks for the thoughtful response to my post. I hope that I didn't make you feel worse about anything than you already do :) I definitely hope that your husband is smarter than me -- I truly am a dumbass and had to learn this lesson the very hard way. But if he hasn't, don't lose hope. I'm a dumbass, but I'm actually not dumb. I should have known better, and I didn't for quite some time. Maybe he'll learn his lesson soon -- and maybe he already has :)
I beg to differ with you the feelings are very real. Of course every situation is different but I've been involved in an affair for 9 years. At first it was just him that was married. Then I started seeing other people and became involved with someone else. I stopped seeing my lover for awhile but it was the feelings that brought us back together however right or wrong that may be. It's not about the excitement of having an affair. Believe me we are both so over that!
But yeah if a person is going to try and make a marriage last after an affair then I would have to agree that no contact would be the only way to go.
@ Ms I. - Good luck on the effort for more nieces/nephews. They are so worth it.
The rejection in and of itself wasn't a huge deal, it was the tone of it, combined with the fact he then seemed oblivious to it the next day.
@ terri - Actually, despite my whining about the roller coaster, the highs and lows are nowhere near as bad as they once were. The problem is that it's been going on so long that I'm getting frustrated by the speed of the progress.
@ Hosea - I don't know how you put up with these feelings for so long. I couldn't do it. I give you credit, and I understand your decision to have an affair because of it. But I know that that is not the right solution for me (despite the temptation). I wish us both luck.
@ hoodie - The rejection didn't bother me nearly as much as the attitude the next day. While we do have a lot of emotionally driven sex, we also do turn each other down fairly regularly. Only normally, we are at least polite about it.
Your post didn't make me feel worse about anything, it simply helped me clarify my thoughts, and I appreciate that.
@ Destiny - As I said, I've never been there, and I acknowledge that every person's experience is individual, and there will always be people who are exceptions. I don't know your specific situation, but I have a hard time understanding how a relationship that is built on deception has the ability to become real. I think that in situations like open marriages, etc. there is a difference, since they are being open and communicating honestly.
But said I said, every is different.
Yeah, ive been through this. It takes time but eventually you wont think much about it. As strange as that may seem. Ive forgiven a couple of close calls and mostly forgotten but I think we both understand that my patience is exhausted. If that's how you feel as well, you might want to give him fair warning.
You absolutely should confront your husband, as your friend suggested. Casually ask him if there has been any more contact..phone calls.. emails...etc. Play as if you are simply feeling insecure but push for an answer and look him right in the eye. Push gently. If he denies, push harder, etc. Tell him you "just have a feeling".
Once trust is broken you really have to rebuild it from scratch and he's killing your relationship by not coming clean about every contact. If you stay in this holding pattern, you are contributing to the death of the relationship as you will grow tired of the game over time.
People who cheat have an obligation to rebuild trust. Its not pretty, its not romantic, its hard work. He's not doing it.
If he admits it, tell him that it hurt you and confuses you that he wouldnt tell you right away. Tell him its important to report any contact with her, that its the key to rebuilding trust.
If he lies, bust him. Have it out now and explain what is required of him in future if he wants to fix the relationship. You are holding all the cards to making yourself feel better. Play some cards.
You could also look into doing a little custom investigation. Cheaters are usually very careless.
For ~$60 -- buy a gps logger from amazon, slip it into his car and review his driving patterns for a few weeks. You can export the data to google earth and get addresses and 360 street views.
For ~$60 -- get a copy of pc pandora, install it on his computer and review everything he types for a few weeks.
For ~$100 -- get a key logger that attaches to the keyboard usb instead. It's undetectable by anti-spyware scanners.
I doubt your therapist would approve. She's probably trying to determine if your fears are irrational.
Checking in on you... it's been nearly 2 weeks since you posted and I hope you are OK.
I have an idea for an unrelated post. When you were trying to get pregnant, did you make a point of trying to keep your hubbys cum inside you? My wife and I are discussing children, but she always cleans up immediatelly after sex. How can I get her to change and get comfortable keeping my cum inside her?
Hi again SA,
Just a couple of comments on your reply.
You write, "I don't know how you put up with these feelings for so long. I couldn't do it." All I can say is thatI didn't know I could do it either, until I did. It's not something grand or noble on my part ... just doggedly putting one foot in front of another, repeat as needed.
You write, "I understand your decision to have an affair because of it." But no -- remember that for 25 years I didn't have an affair, 25 years during which Wife fucked at least four different men and one woman, was committed to a psychiatric hospital for three weeks, was arrested for domestic violence, ... those are the highlights but the list goes on. So I do not think that her affairs explain my current affair. What does? I've been trying to figure that out, and when I have enough free time I will write a post on it. But I think the short version is that we fell in love ....
Sorry if I took your remarks wrong; but I felt I had to straighten out the timescale, at the very least.
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