I have always been a very sexual person. I have always been up for almost anything my husband had in mind, and my sexual preferences tend to be a little outside of what I was taught was acceptable in the catechism classes taught by nuns. I have never been ashamed of my sexuality, and I am fairly open in real life, but there are a few things that make me feel like there is something wrong with me. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if I am a freak.
No, I am not talking about anything salacious or illegal. I am talking about my response to DH's affair.
I have written before that I try to fix things with sex. When I am insecure in my relationship, I do my best to seduce my husband. When DH seems depressed, I tend to jump him. These may not be the healthiest coping mechanisms, but they don't really bother me.
More concerning to me, was the fact that when I found out about my husband's affair, I just could not get enough rough, mean, angry sex. I couldn't look my husband in the eye, and often there would be tears rolling down my face the entire time, but the orgasms were incredible. I hated myself for this, because I didn't want to be rewarding my husband for his affair, but I couldn't stop myself. Still, this isn't what bothered me most after my husband's affair.
The worst part, was about a week after I found everything out, I started having dreams. Very vivid dreams. Vivid dreams about my husband and TOW. And I would wake up incredibly aroused. And sick to my stomach.
The first dream I remember, was a vision of my husband and TOW in my bed. I could see them, as if I were in the room. He was on top of her, rocking them gently in a tender missionary coupling. I could see him stroking her hair, and bending to kiss the tip of her nose. I watched as their rhythm quickened and his back arched with his release. In that moment, TOW turned her head, looked at me, and smiled victoriously.
I woke suddenly, drenched in sweat, adrenaline coursing through my veins. My hand was between my thighs, sticky with wetness. I throbbed with excitement, and was on the verge of orgasm myself. I jumped out of bed and barely made it to the toilet before I vomited the entire contents of my stomach.
It was the middle of the night, but I had to shower before climbed back into bed and stared at the ceiling until the sun finally rose. I felt violated and dirty.
The dreams came every few days. There was no rhyme or reason to their appearance. I would find myself a voyeur to all sorts of imagined sexual acts. About a week after the first dream, the stakes seemed to increase.
I could see my husband kissing TOW. His mouth traveled along her jaw, down her neck and to her breasts. I could see him taking her nipple between his teeth, nipping and teasing, while all the while his hand was working to bring her to orgasm. The picture in my head was erotic, and I woke up shaking as my own hand brought me to a simultaneous climax. But once again, the last vision in my mind before I lost site of that dream was of her vindictive smile. For the third time that week, I lost my supper as my body tried to forcefully purge that picture from my mind.
For nearly a month, I struggled with these dreams. Sometimes I would climax before I woke up. Sometimes I would wake up sick to my stomach and stop. And occasionally, I would wake up still aroused, yet unfulfilled by the dream. I would lay next to the sleeping form of my husband, and I would bring myself to orgasm, as tears streamed from my eyes.
The entire time I was having these dreams, and for a long time afterwards, I struggled to figure out what they meant. Was I secretly turned on by the thought of my husband cheating on me? No, certainly not while I was awake. Just thinking about it could make me physically ill.
Was I turned on by TOW? I have always thought that women were beautiful, and I experimented a bit in college. I've never ruled out the possibility that someday something could happen between me and another woman. For years, I had considered the possibility that DH and could at some point have a threesome. It seems to be every man's fantasy and back when I felt secure in my marriage, if we found the right partner, I wouldn't have been opposed.
But no, that was not the reason for my dreams. Almost every dream ended with her smiling at me in a knowing, victorious way. In my dreams she was rubbing in my face the fact that she had stolen both my husband's body and his heart. The only thing my conscious mind wanted to do with her was rip her face to shreds with my bare hands.
I never figured out what those dreams were trying to tell me, and I eternally grateful when they finally disappeared. I never told anyone about the dreams. Not my husband. Not my first therapist. Not my best friend. But this week, I told Kathleen.
She sat and she listened passively as I searched her eyes for any sign of repulsion, disgust, or condemnation. When finally, I had run out of words, and could no longer meet her eye, she looked at me and said, "You really need to give yourself a break."
I don't know what I expected to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.
When I met her eyes again, she went on. I'm paraphrasing,but what she said was basically, "Sometimes our minds can't deal with things, so our body tries to find a way to handle them. Sometimes our bodies can't deal with things, so our mind tries to find a way to handle them. Sometimes things are too much for our mind and our body to take together, and we try anything we can come up with a way to survive. It may not seem to make sense. It may be completely out of character for us. But in the end, it is just a way for us to deal with something that is beyond our scope to deal with."
She went on to tell me that most people respond viscerally after an affair, and because of that, unless there is some kind of abuse going on, she advises her clients not to make any permanent decisions about the future for 2-3 months after finding out about the affair.
She says that many women respond to an affair by leaving with their children, and then, a couple months later wish they hadn't. She said that a fair portion of women actually attempt to get pregnant after they find out their spouse has been unfaithful. Another common response is to become either completely celibate or abnormally promiscuous. She said that none of these responses are necessarily conscious decisions, and people need to cut themselves some slack.
I have to say, I felt better after talking to her. This was one of the secrets that weighed most heavily on my mind, and saying it out loud has made it easier to breathe.
No, I am not talking about anything salacious or illegal. I am talking about my response to DH's affair.
I have written before that I try to fix things with sex. When I am insecure in my relationship, I do my best to seduce my husband. When DH seems depressed, I tend to jump him. These may not be the healthiest coping mechanisms, but they don't really bother me.
More concerning to me, was the fact that when I found out about my husband's affair, I just could not get enough rough, mean, angry sex. I couldn't look my husband in the eye, and often there would be tears rolling down my face the entire time, but the orgasms were incredible. I hated myself for this, because I didn't want to be rewarding my husband for his affair, but I couldn't stop myself. Still, this isn't what bothered me most after my husband's affair.
The worst part, was about a week after I found everything out, I started having dreams. Very vivid dreams. Vivid dreams about my husband and TOW. And I would wake up incredibly aroused. And sick to my stomach.
The first dream I remember, was a vision of my husband and TOW in my bed. I could see them, as if I were in the room. He was on top of her, rocking them gently in a tender missionary coupling. I could see him stroking her hair, and bending to kiss the tip of her nose. I watched as their rhythm quickened and his back arched with his release. In that moment, TOW turned her head, looked at me, and smiled victoriously.
I woke suddenly, drenched in sweat, adrenaline coursing through my veins. My hand was between my thighs, sticky with wetness. I throbbed with excitement, and was on the verge of orgasm myself. I jumped out of bed and barely made it to the toilet before I vomited the entire contents of my stomach.
It was the middle of the night, but I had to shower before climbed back into bed and stared at the ceiling until the sun finally rose. I felt violated and dirty.
The dreams came every few days. There was no rhyme or reason to their appearance. I would find myself a voyeur to all sorts of imagined sexual acts. About a week after the first dream, the stakes seemed to increase.
I could see my husband kissing TOW. His mouth traveled along her jaw, down her neck and to her breasts. I could see him taking her nipple between his teeth, nipping and teasing, while all the while his hand was working to bring her to orgasm. The picture in my head was erotic, and I woke up shaking as my own hand brought me to a simultaneous climax. But once again, the last vision in my mind before I lost site of that dream was of her vindictive smile. For the third time that week, I lost my supper as my body tried to forcefully purge that picture from my mind.
For nearly a month, I struggled with these dreams. Sometimes I would climax before I woke up. Sometimes I would wake up sick to my stomach and stop. And occasionally, I would wake up still aroused, yet unfulfilled by the dream. I would lay next to the sleeping form of my husband, and I would bring myself to orgasm, as tears streamed from my eyes.
The entire time I was having these dreams, and for a long time afterwards, I struggled to figure out what they meant. Was I secretly turned on by the thought of my husband cheating on me? No, certainly not while I was awake. Just thinking about it could make me physically ill.
Was I turned on by TOW? I have always thought that women were beautiful, and I experimented a bit in college. I've never ruled out the possibility that someday something could happen between me and another woman. For years, I had considered the possibility that DH and could at some point have a threesome. It seems to be every man's fantasy and back when I felt secure in my marriage, if we found the right partner, I wouldn't have been opposed.
But no, that was not the reason for my dreams. Almost every dream ended with her smiling at me in a knowing, victorious way. In my dreams she was rubbing in my face the fact that she had stolen both my husband's body and his heart. The only thing my conscious mind wanted to do with her was rip her face to shreds with my bare hands.
I never figured out what those dreams were trying to tell me, and I eternally grateful when they finally disappeared. I never told anyone about the dreams. Not my husband. Not my first therapist. Not my best friend. But this week, I told Kathleen.
She sat and she listened passively as I searched her eyes for any sign of repulsion, disgust, or condemnation. When finally, I had run out of words, and could no longer meet her eye, she looked at me and said, "You really need to give yourself a break."
I don't know what I expected to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.
When I met her eyes again, she went on. I'm paraphrasing,but what she said was basically, "Sometimes our minds can't deal with things, so our body tries to find a way to handle them. Sometimes our bodies can't deal with things, so our mind tries to find a way to handle them. Sometimes things are too much for our mind and our body to take together, and we try anything we can come up with a way to survive. It may not seem to make sense. It may be completely out of character for us. But in the end, it is just a way for us to deal with something that is beyond our scope to deal with."
She went on to tell me that most people respond viscerally after an affair, and because of that, unless there is some kind of abuse going on, she advises her clients not to make any permanent decisions about the future for 2-3 months after finding out about the affair.
She says that many women respond to an affair by leaving with their children, and then, a couple months later wish they hadn't. She said that a fair portion of women actually attempt to get pregnant after they find out their spouse has been unfaithful. Another common response is to become either completely celibate or abnormally promiscuous. She said that none of these responses are necessarily conscious decisions, and people need to cut themselves some slack.
I have to say, I felt better after talking to her. This was one of the secrets that weighed most heavily on my mind, and saying it out loud has made it easier to breathe.
10 comments:
WOW, your experience and reaction after finding out about the affair was so physical, raw, and all consuming. I have never felt anything like that, so your story fascinates me. I tend to break down and cry, scream, pound a pillow, or throw (soft) things when I am upset. I bet it felt good to tell Kathleen about the dreams, just to get them off your chest. Is your husband a deep sleeper? Did he ever notice you thrashing about in your sleep, hear you run to the bathroom, or hear the shower in the middle of the night?
Sorry for so many questions, but this post makes me wonder, how did you find out about the affair and TOW? Did you know her? Your vivid vision of her made me wonder if she was an acquaintance? Maybe you have posted this info in other entries...I should go back and look, but I thought I had read you from the start.
Well, now you have opened up about the dreams to Kathleen AND your blog followers... how do you feel?
Take care of you, SH
I’ve been reading your blog since you first commented on mine. I haven’t gone back far very far to get all the details on what happened. I hope writing about what happened helps you in some way. I want to thank you though because seeing what an affair has done to you helps me to want to work harder to keep from having one myself.
As I read this post, I thought of so many ways to interpret what you are experiencing. But what it comes down to is raw pain. That is what I see. I commend you for trying to work past this and it seems you’re getting somewhere. And thanks for sharing.
Don't take this the wrong way, but why would you let someone else effect you that much? Face it, you married a cheater. I've seen statistics that almost half of married men are cheaters. You don't see half of all married women losing it the way you have. If I were you, I'd divorce him and move on. Why are you staying with someone who makes you feel like shit?
It is hard to be on the other end and being able to talk about it. I think the dreams were giving you something to work out within yourself. I have done the same thing with things about my husband I have found out. (not yet discussed in my blog) It was arousing and made me so angry at the same time.
I mean what do you do? There isn't a manual when this happens and how to react. You will have to give your self some time to grieve and decide how you need/want to handle the situation.
Keep your head up...May I ask what did you learn about all this about yourself???
Wow. Your honesty is powerful, and you are very brave to share such a personal story. I have heard counselors talk about how there is no correct way to deal with grief, and I think that is what you are facing here. This is a very private experience you are sharing, and I thank you for it.
I must also say your husband is a damned fool for treating you the way he did. To find a life partner with the energy and vivacity that you have and to throw that away for a few moments of pleasure was foolish and short-sighted. He is lucky you have decided to stick it out and try to make it work. I believe he needs to work to earn your trust and respect back.
Hmm, Beyond my own experience I know two family members who have gone through it. Both males with cheating wives. In the first case his therapist told him something very similar, that people often break up after an affair and then regret it later. They did break up but I don't know if he regrets it. When it happened I was younger, less experienced and not very helpful. I sometimes imagine how the older me would have given him better advice.
I also know of a case where my wife's friend found that her husband was cheating. Somehow she discovered his profile on a cheating site, then his email information, and eventually discovered he was having dozens of affairs while on the road. They are currently getting divorced, apparently with few regrets on her part.
No, I dont have a point. heh.
I can't explain them, and I didn't have anything quite the same, but I can understand those dreams. A little bit of the suck there, huh?
@ Suburban Hotwife & (1st) anonymous - I don't think I can effectively answer these comments here in a comment, so I will address them in my next post.
@ Unbroken - Thank you for reading. It does help to write, but sometimes it stirs up bad feelings too. There is definitely pain, but I am discovering that I have to clean out old, festering wounds before they can really heal.
@ ChocDrop - Aroused and angry is a hard combination to wrap your mind around, isn't it. What I've learned so far is that I can't change my husband, but I can work on myself. I've learned that while I am not responsible for his actions or affair, he is not responsible for my depression. And I am learning to cut myself some slack, or at least I am trying to learn to cut myself some slack.
@ Mr. B - Thank you for reading, and for the complements. To be fair to my husband, I am not the easiest person to live with. As you may have guessed, I tend to be emotional, and me all do have our issues. But in reality, I agree with you. My husband was foolish, is lucky, and should be working very hard to regain my trust.
@ 2nd anonymous - I didn't mean to say that my therapist says that couples shouldn't split up. She just thinks that the decision shouldn't be made until you are capable of thinking things through instead of just reacting. She actually told me that right now I shouldn't be concentrating on keeping my marriage together, I should be concentrating on what I need to do for myself, and what I need out of my marriage. She says that when I have that figured out, I will know if my marriage is truly salvageable. I am optimistic though. I think we're going to make it. But unfortunately, it isn't all up to me.
@ hoodie - I sort of understand them... and there is a whole lot of the suck there.
I remember having dreams about watching my husband have the most amazing sex with another woman...it was devastating. Especially when they explained to me WHY he was so delighted with her - she told me in no uncertain (but totally undecipherable) terms that SHE could look like a girl ANY time she wanted to, and clearly that made him want her more than me.
It doesn't make any more sense to me now than it did then, but I can still feel the emotions that it dredged up! :)
I think the mind and body are amazing in tandem, especially when problem solving and/or protecting one another. Your mind/body team is going to get you through this JUST fine.
@ terri - Isn't it amazing how much emotion one of those dreams can dredge? My mind and body are doing I fine job, but the rest of me is getting sick of being a passenger on this ride.
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