Background Information and Questions Answered

When I originally started this blog, in my head I imagined that I would at some point go back to the beginning and write about my husband's affair in chronological order. But as it turns out, I want to write what I want to write when I want to write it. The downside is that I sometimes forget that all of you aren't living in my head, and sometimes won't have any idea what I am talking about.

I also tend to write about things as they are in crisis in my mind, and when they resolve themselves, I no longer feel an immediate need to write about them. The downside to that is I don't seem to tell about how different things turn out.

When either of these things happen, please feel free to ask me about it. I'm not offended by questions, and if I don't want to share something, I won't. But more often, the act of answering your question helps me figure out my own thoughts. When I try to take a jumble of knotted emotions and make them into an intelligible response, I actually have to sort out my feelings. Since that was one of the purposes of this blog, by asking questions you are actually helping me out.

A perfect example is this comment from Suburban Hotwife:

WOW, your experience and reaction after finding out about the affair was so physical, raw, and all consuming. I have never felt anything like that, so your story fascinates me. I tend to break down and cry, scream, pound a pillow, or throw (soft) things when I am upset. I bet it felt good to tell Kathleen about the dreams, just to get them off your chest. Is your husband a deep sleeper? Did he ever notice you thrashing about in your sleep, hear you run to the bathroom, or hear the shower in the middle of the night?

Sorry for so many questions, but this post makes me wonder, how did you find out about the affair and TOW? Did you know her? Your vivid vision of her made me wonder if she was an acquaintance? Maybe you have posted this info in other entries...I should go back and look, but I thought I had read you from the start.

Well, now you have opened up about the dreams to Kathleen AND your blog followers... how do you feel?

I'm going to start in the middle of this comment with a brief synopses of how I found out about the affair and some of the immediate aftermath, and then work my way to the other questions.

Last February, DH and I had had several months of what I thought was a lull in our marriage. Things were not going well, but I had no idea why. I thought DH was going through a mild depression, and I actually asked him on more than one occasion if he would go to the doctor to have his blood work checked. There is a strong history of diabetes in his family and I was concerned that the noticeable change in his mood and personality might have to do with abnormal blood sugars. An affair never even occurred to me.

February 18th, I needed some information that I new an acquaintance from church had sent to my husband. DH was in a very important meeting that day, and I didn't want to bother him, so I decided to get the info myself. I have always known DH's email passwords, so I went in his personal email to look for it. I didn't see what I needed there, so I accessed his work email to see if they had sent it there.

While I was scanning emails, looking for the info I needed, I found an email from an hotmail address I didn't recognize. The entire email message was "Password:*********". I don't know why I gave it a second look, maybe it was intuition, but I new something was up with that message. The password written down was a password that DH and I frequently used when we needed to sign up for something online, only the words had been reversed.

DH always sent himself emails with various user IDs and passwords, because he wasn't great about remembering what password went with which account. But I had no idea what this email was. It didn't seem to make sense.

Without even thinking about it, I went to hotmail. I logged in with the email address that had sent the message to DH's work email and used that password. Instantly, I entered a space that changed my world.

In this email box, I found access to a multitude of other accounts. Ashley Madison. MySpace. A blog. And then there were the emails. Months worth of emails starting as flirting, moving on to meeting, talking about fantasies, reliving their times together. Pictures. And I know it seems petty, but the most hurtful things were the emails where they would talk about how funny it was that neither of their spouses suspected a thing. How clueless I was.

I honestly don't know how I got through that morning. I was a combination of stunned and disbelieving. My daughter was at school, but my son was home. I remember that at some point I actually screamed, because my son came into the room to see what was wrong with mommy.

After about an half an hour of just breaking down, my mind snapped back into place and I started to print. I printed out every single solitary email. Every saved chat. Every blog post, complete with their comments. I printed his myspace page and all his comments and messages. I did the same with his Ashley Madison account. Some of the pictures on those pages didn't want to print, so I would print screen shots. Then when I finished with everything I could find from there, I went to our cellphone company website and printed months worth of call histories and texts.

I went on his blog, and thankfully, he had installed an analytics program. It took me no time at all to figure out the IP address of TOW's home and work computers. I googled her. I looked her up in the white pages. I found her on Classmates.com.

I found her husband's name, work and call phone numbers.

Honestly, it is very scary how with little computer knowledge, you can amass an incredible amount of information in a very short time.

I spent hours crying and printing. Then I ran out of things I could think to look for. I didn't know what to do.

I called a good friend, told her I needed her to watch my son and pick my daughter up from school. When she asked me why, I told her that I though DH was getting ready to divorce me. I didn't elaborate, but I honestly believed that he was going to leave me for TOW.

The state I live in is one of very few in the country where it is almost impossible to get a no-fault divorce. You have to prove to a judge that there is a reason for the divorce, and custody is largely decided by who is found to be at fault.

I know that in my last post, I just wrote how horrible it would be for my children not to see their father all the time. That is something I feel now. Back on Feb 16, 2008, all I could think of was how I was going to ensure that TOW would not become my children's new mother.

Then... about 5 1/2 hours after I had first opened the email, I called my husband at work. He couldn't come to the phone. I waited about 5 minutes for him to call me back, then I couldn't wait any more.

I did what any insane person wold do. I called TOW.

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This was a long drawn out way for me to explain the fact that although I've never met TOW, I do know what her voice sounds like. I also know what she looks like. I have pictures that she sent to DH in email. I have pictures from her myspace page. I have pictures from her work website. Yes, it sounds scary and stalkerish when I hear myself talk about how much information I have about her. But I have never seen her in real life.



The rest of the questions are much easier to answer.

Clearly, DH knew that I was having trouble eating and sleeping for a couple of weeks after everything went down. I lost about 10 pounds in 2 weeks, and I don't need to lose weight. I am sure that he woke up to me thrashing, vomiting, crying, screaming multiple times. But I am also sure that he never knew about the dreams or the orgasms.

At that point in our relationship, DH knew he was walking a tightrope, and he treated me like I was a grenade with a loose pin. At any moment, I might explode. He didn't push me to say anything or explain any of my feelings.



As far as the question of how I feel after letting you all in on my intimate secrets, well that is a process, but a good one. I have always been a sporadic journaler. When something bothers me, I tend to write in a notebook. Writing helps me clarify my own thoughts, but it also stirs up a lot of my emotions and dredges up a lot of feelings that I don't what to do with.

Talking to Kathleen is also a lot like that. She tends to steer or conversations into areas I wasn't facing, and a lot of emotions are stirred up. But posting on the blog is a little different. For some reason, posting these thoughts and knowing that other people are reading them helps me settle those emotions.

Immediately after I write a post, I tend to be a bit agitated. When I publish the post, I have several hours of nervousness. Almost an anxiety that this is going to be the post that proves that I really am abnormal. That this is going to be the time where who I am is rejected by the world at large. I don't look at my email or any comments while I'm in this phase.

But then, almost magically, a few hours later, I start to feel a weight lifting from my shoulders. The burden of keeping my secrets is slowly being shouldered by others, and it is a relief. I find myself handling the emotions better and resolving some of my issues.

By the time I read my comments and emails, it doesn't actually matter what they say. The simple act of knowing that I don't have to religiously guard that one heavy secret has already made me feel better. Even the emails where people are telling me that I am crazy don't bother me.

And then, there is another sort of catharsis. I have received comments and emails from more people than I realized where reading this blog, telling me that I am saying things that they have been feeling. That they are struggling with the same emotions I have been struggling with. They have had the same dreams. They have the same anxieties.

In reality, everyone has their own issues, but it is nice to know that I'm not alone.

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Rereading this blog, I feel like it jumps around a lot, and I'm sorry if it's confusing, but I'm not going to edit it today. Today, this is a good representation of the jumble in my head.

And by the way, this weekend I will send out invitation for when my blog goes private. If you replied to me in a comment that you want to be included, please make sure that your email address is easy to find either on your profile or your blog. I can't invite you if I don't have an email address to send it to.