I will write a post about the end of my therapy session tomorrow, but first I thought I'd share DH's reaction to my appointment.
I saw the therapist on Tuesday afternoon. DH seemed to be avoiding the subject, so I didn't bring it up at all, except to tell him that I have been ordered to exercise. His immediate, no hesitation response was, "That's fine if it makes you feel better, but you do NOT need to lose weight." Good answer. DH is a smart man.
We had a very hectic week. Both of us were busy with work. Soccer started for my son. My daughter has basketball and violin. There was a concert on Friday. And mother nature had decided that this was the week to put her monthly kibosh on most of our sexual activities. All together, this means that we had seen very little of each other, and when we were together, everything was a bit strained.
Saturday night, after a busy day of running the kids to their activities, housework, errands, etc., we decided to go to bed a bit early since we were losing an hour of sleep, and DH and our daughter had to wake up early to go to a daddy/daughter basketball tournament/fundraiser.
DH is always restless as he falls asleep, and seemed to be even more so than usual last night. After about 15 minutes of tossing and turning, he turned to me and almost whispered, "Is it okay if I make love to you?"
This is very unusual for DH. Normally, he gauges whether or not I'm in the mood by my reactions to his advances. He may ask me if I'm in the mood, he may ask what position I'm up for, he may ask if we can try something new, but the last time I remember him asking for permission to make love to me was a few days after I found out about his affair.
That time, I had consented without looking at him, and then proceeded to channel all my hurt and anger into an almost violent (me, not him) animalistic coupling. Last night was very different.
The lights were out, so I could just make out the line of his body in the dim light. His hands slid down the line of my body, and his lips kissed along my collarbone then down to my breasts. There was no biting, no sucking, no sharp graze of his teeth, but the soft feel of his lips traveling along my body was enough to raise goosebumps on my flesh.
I started to reach for him, to caress his chest and belly, but before my hands found their way to his groin, he moved himself on top of me. I could feel him pressing against me, before gradually entering. Slow stroke after slow stroke, he opened me a bit at a time before finally pressing his full length deliciously against my inner walls.
Sweetly and gently, he established a slow rhythm. With his hands under my hips, he would push himself all of the way into me, lifting me slightly at the end of each stroke. This subtle change in angle soon had me cresting. The rhythm didn't falter, even as I gripped him tightly and shuddered with orgasm. Not until the last aftershock rippled through my body did he speed his actions slightly, then collapse against me with his own pleasure.
A moment later, he shifted us slightly so that we were on our sides, my head resting on his chest, still connected intimately. We lay there quietly for a while, catching our breaths and enjoying the moment.
After a bit, we cleaned up, and made sure that we were presentable in case one of the kids should climb into bed with us during the night. After a moment of lying in the dark, DH said to me, in that same tentative whisper as before, "So, did that therapist tell you that you ought to get rid of me?"
I sighed softly and shook my head at him. "Honey, I don't think that that's what therapists do. I'm not going to her because I want to get rid of you. I just want to be a happy person again. I can't stand the mood swings, and they're not fair to you or the kids, either."
In an even softer whisper, he replied, "I don't want to lose you." And then, within a moment, I heard his breathing even out, and he was asleep.
I, on the other hand, laid there for sometime staring into the darkness. Just when I begin to feel like I'm getting a handle on things, reality throws me for a loop. It's easy for me to understand the hurt, anger, frustration, and worry that I feel. It's harder for me to grasp the fact that DH feels vulnerable as well.
Why do I feel slightly guilty about that?
I think I'll go exercise.
~sigh~
4 comments:
Well, it appears that your DH is at the very least aware that his actions may have consequences - consequences that he does not seem to like at that.
It is clear that your lovemaking caused more questions for you, but your retelling of the events convey a sense of care and dedication on DH's part.
I will be eager to see where things go from here...
~SH
Oh, darlin', God bless! This is wonderful.
I'm not surprised at all that he's worried about what you going into therapy means. Probably he thinks you spend all your time talking about how bad he is and how he hurt you.
And he was bad, and he did hurt you -- but you, you are doing the grownup thing; you're working it out, not taking it out on yourself, or even on him.
Every time I want to hurt someone because they hurt me, I try to think about this display that I saw in the local science museum. It's a pendulum that tracks the movement of the earth. And I look at it and think, I don't need to push the pendulum: it swings back all on its own.
Your husband has to deal with the shame he feels, and his fear of the potential consequences (losing you, losing your family). He has to see and hear how he's made you feel when you are honest with him.
Those things, I hope, are enough to make him change his ways, without any external punishment whatsoever.
May it be so.
Thank you for writing this.
This made tears well up in my eyes - now they are in freefall.
How tender and sweet...from both of you. Wounds be damned, you are clinging to each other.
I am going to go exercise, too.
@ SH - DH has said from the beginning that he didn't want to lose me, but the therapy seems to have him more scared.
@ Helen - I'm trying to be optimistic without being unrealistic ... I really want this to work
@ anonymous - Don't you cry, because then I'll start crying! How's the exercise going for you?
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