Does the Aftermath of an Affair Make You Bipolar?

I started this blog a couple of months ago, then abruptly stopped, because I really don't know how I feel from day to day. There are some days that I am positive that my husband and I will work everything out, and that I'll get the happily-ever-after that I always believed was our destiny. Some days, I find myself figuring out if I can afford to leave him, how I would pay for rent and food and violin lessons on part time wages and child support. And yet other days, I feel like I should keep living the way we are, put on the perfect show for family and neighbors, but behind closed doors each live our own lives.

I don't think that I am convinced that the first option is possible, and the other two choices make me feel like there is a large chunk of my heart that is being carved away with a dull, rusty knife.

Here's the deal. My husband cheated on me. He didn't have a one night stand, he had a loving, romantic relationship. He has (as far as I know) completely ended things with her, but that hasn't taken away the feelings he had (has) for her. He still gets a fond look in his eyes when he thinks of her, and even though he knows that it hurts me, he defends her actions in their affair completely. He will take all the responsibility (and he should), but he is still protective of her in a way that makes me want to hit something.

My husband is a blogger. Following his electronic footsteps is one of the ways that I became interested in reading blogs. He enjoys the supportive infidelity community in the blogosphere. He writes comments to people which contain heavy flirting (which doesn't bother me) and nearly constant references to how exciting and invigorating his affair was (which bothers me a lot).

I have no reason to believe that my husband's affair was his first experience with infidelity in our marriage, and I highly doubt it will be his last. I do believe that he never meant to fall in love with another woman, and he will attempt to be less emotionally involved in the future. Is that good enough for me? I have no idea. It hurts my feelings more than I can say. But I don't know if it is enough to make me push the eject button on our marriage.

He says he loves me. He says he wants to work it out. He says that our marriage is the most important thing to him. And then he makes a profile on Ashley Madison.

So, what's a girl to do? I wish I knew that there was a chance that at some point I could be enough for him. If I knew that was a possibility, I would keep working towards it. I love him more than I knew was possible, but at what point do I get to start loving myself? At what point, should I be facing the reality that even if he loves me as much as he says (and I believe that he does), he will still always want to find that something more that he gets from other women.

I find myself thinking about having an affair of my own. It would be nice to be appreciated. It would be nice if someone could make me feel beautiful again. It would be nice to have an uncomplicated fuck where the emotions of orgasm didn't send me into tears.

But then, who would I become? Would I like the person I saw in the mirror, or would I just be another statistic in the world of infidelity bloggers?

The Insanity That My Life Has Become

Some days, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm going insane. This year has been a rollercoaster for me.

Since finding out, about a year ago, that my DH (this could mean dear husband or it could mean dick head - your choice) was having an affair, my life has turned upside-down.

Back then, I didn't want our marriage to end for all the normal, obvious reasons. It would hurt the kids, I still loved him, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't want our marriage to end because of more practical reasons. Neither of us makes enough money that if we split I could afford to live my happy suburban life, there's no possible way that we could sell our house in this market- not when three other houses on our block are being foreclosed - and I'm a big fat chicken, afraid to be on my own. I also do still love him, but that alone is no longer enough of a reason for me to want to stay.

But I'm positive that I'll get into the sordid details of my husband's affair in upcoming posts, so for now I'm going to talk about my own mental breakdown.

I'm sad almost all the time. I cry everyday, but usually for no reason and at weird times. For instance, yesterday we had some neighbors over for dinner. We had a great time. The conversation was fun, the children were happy and out of our hair, and I was having a fabulous time. Then for absolutely no reason, when I went to the bathroom, I started to cry.

I wasn't even feeling sad, and there I was trapped in the bathroom, trying to figure out how I was going to hide my suddenly blotchy face and smeared mascara when I opened the door. And I was trying to figure out what had triggered that particular moment of insanity.

I still don't know for sure, but one thing that kept coming to mind was a blog post that I had read a couple of days earlier. I know it seems strange that I would actively read blogs in which people are proudly cheating on their spouses, but in the last year, I have become addicted to the stories of other peoples' blatant infidelity.

But I digress, I was talking about a blog in which a woman wrote a very sexual letter to "Santa", and the playful, creative way in which her lover responded. I reread that several times, thinking that this is what is missing from my life.

So today, while DH was busy, I had a chance to look at the computer again. As I read that blog and many others, and I realized something I didn't know before. I am thinking seriously of having an affair of my own. Not because of a dramatic need for sex - DH and I actually have always clicked well on that front. Not as a way of getting back at DH, because if I wanted to do that, I have enough evidence to get basically anything I wanted in a divorce settlement.

I am considering it because I want the interaction with someone who stimulates me intellectually as well as physically. I want some who is playful in a way that I don't think my husband could ever be. I want someone who would have to actually make an effort to see me and spend time with me.

But will I actually go through with it? I don't know. But I do know that I thought about it a lot today... and for the first time in nearly a year, I spent a full day without breaking into tears.