Some days, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm going insane. This year has been a rollercoaster for me.
Since finding out, about a year ago, that my DH (this could mean dear husband or it could mean dick head - your choice) was having an affair, my life has turned upside-down.
Back then, I didn't want our marriage to end for all the normal, obvious reasons. It would hurt the kids, I still loved him, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't want our marriage to end because of more practical reasons. Neither of us makes enough money that if we split I could afford to live my happy suburban life, there's no possible way that we could sell our house in this market- not when three other houses on our block are being foreclosed - and I'm a big fat chicken, afraid to be on my own. I also do still love him, but that alone is no longer enough of a reason for me to want to stay.
But I'm positive that I'll get into the sordid details of my husband's affair in upcoming posts, so for now I'm going to talk about my own mental breakdown.
I'm sad almost all the time. I cry everyday, but usually for no reason and at weird times. For instance, yesterday we had some neighbors over for dinner. We had a great time. The conversation was fun, the children were happy and out of our hair, and I was having a fabulous time. Then for absolutely no reason, when I went to the bathroom, I started to cry.
I wasn't even feeling sad, and there I was trapped in the bathroom, trying to figure out how I was going to hide my suddenly blotchy face and smeared mascara when I opened the door. And I was trying to figure out what had triggered that particular moment of insanity.
I still don't know for sure, but one thing that kept coming to mind was a blog post that I had read a couple of days earlier. I know it seems strange that I would actively read blogs in which people are proudly cheating on their spouses, but in the last year, I have become addicted to the stories of other peoples' blatant infidelity.
But I digress, I was talking about a blog in which a woman wrote a very sexual letter to "Santa", and the playful, creative way in which her lover responded. I reread that several times, thinking that this is what is missing from my life.
So today, while DH was busy, I had a chance to look at the computer again. As I read that blog and many others, and I realized something I didn't know before. I am thinking seriously of having an affair of my own. Not because of a dramatic need for sex - DH and I actually have always clicked well on that front. Not as a way of getting back at DH, because if I wanted to do that, I have enough evidence to get basically anything I wanted in a divorce settlement.
I am considering it because I want the interaction with someone who stimulates me intellectually as well as physically. I want some who is playful in a way that I don't think my husband could ever be. I want someone who would have to actually make an effort to see me and spend time with me.
But will I actually go through with it? I don't know. But I do know that I thought about it a lot today... and for the first time in nearly a year, I spent a full day without breaking into tears.
Since finding out, about a year ago, that my DH (this could mean dear husband or it could mean dick head - your choice) was having an affair, my life has turned upside-down.
Back then, I didn't want our marriage to end for all the normal, obvious reasons. It would hurt the kids, I still loved him, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't want our marriage to end because of more practical reasons. Neither of us makes enough money that if we split I could afford to live my happy suburban life, there's no possible way that we could sell our house in this market- not when three other houses on our block are being foreclosed - and I'm a big fat chicken, afraid to be on my own. I also do still love him, but that alone is no longer enough of a reason for me to want to stay.
But I'm positive that I'll get into the sordid details of my husband's affair in upcoming posts, so for now I'm going to talk about my own mental breakdown.
I'm sad almost all the time. I cry everyday, but usually for no reason and at weird times. For instance, yesterday we had some neighbors over for dinner. We had a great time. The conversation was fun, the children were happy and out of our hair, and I was having a fabulous time. Then for absolutely no reason, when I went to the bathroom, I started to cry.
I wasn't even feeling sad, and there I was trapped in the bathroom, trying to figure out how I was going to hide my suddenly blotchy face and smeared mascara when I opened the door. And I was trying to figure out what had triggered that particular moment of insanity.
I still don't know for sure, but one thing that kept coming to mind was a blog post that I had read a couple of days earlier. I know it seems strange that I would actively read blogs in which people are proudly cheating on their spouses, but in the last year, I have become addicted to the stories of other peoples' blatant infidelity.
But I digress, I was talking about a blog in which a woman wrote a very sexual letter to "Santa", and the playful, creative way in which her lover responded. I reread that several times, thinking that this is what is missing from my life.
So today, while DH was busy, I had a chance to look at the computer again. As I read that blog and many others, and I realized something I didn't know before. I am thinking seriously of having an affair of my own. Not because of a dramatic need for sex - DH and I actually have always clicked well on that front. Not as a way of getting back at DH, because if I wanted to do that, I have enough evidence to get basically anything I wanted in a divorce settlement.
I am considering it because I want the interaction with someone who stimulates me intellectually as well as physically. I want some who is playful in a way that I don't think my husband could ever be. I want someone who would have to actually make an effort to see me and spend time with me.
But will I actually go through with it? I don't know. But I do know that I thought about it a lot today... and for the first time in nearly a year, I spent a full day without breaking into tears.
6 comments:
I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I do not. When I read this post, all I think is that one needs be true to themselves. Be the best steward possible to your self. Don't settle for less than you deserve, and what we all deserve is a fair measure of happiness. An affair may add something positive to the mix, but if feeling loved is what you seek, you may very well need to truly consider walking away from the relationship you are in. Ultimately, all decisions are simple....you can DO or NOT DO. Change allways comes, but comes most rapidly from action.
We will all be waiting to watch and support you in your new endeavor!
I love finding blogs in the beginning! It is like finding undiscovered talent that you know is full of potential...
Dear Seeking,
If you have been perusing other blogs, you may have found mine. I have a unique marital arrangement that has provided me and my DH (yes we use the same code for our husbands!) with joy and excitement. Although we are generally a happy couple as a result, there are time when I feel the tears rise to the brink of my eyes, threatening to betray my outward appearance. What triggers my private releases? Sometimes I cannot say; sometimes it is a song on the radio; other times it is thoughts of a dear friend facing her own rocky marriage; and then there are times when I just need an emotional release when things build up inside. When I am a hotwife, I feel the need to act like a carefree seductress, whose feelings are secondary to pleasure and passion. I honestly embody a 'no strings attached' attitude and ride the high of the sexual experience. But with every high there comes a low, which is perhaps why my eyes glisten with tears when I least expect it.
So, now that I have rambled and said things more intimate and private than I planned to, I leave you with this. We are humans, and women, with feelings. We cannot always explain or defend our feelings. I hope that blogging about yours will enlighten you and bring you comfort. Your cry for camaraderie is touching. I hope the insanity settles for you soon.
Keep blogging to keep us abreast of your situation,
~SuburbanHotwife
Dear One,
I have been in your shoes. My H cheated first, just once, but I was pregnant at the time. Many people do not know that is how I became so jaded and changed. My bubble of happiness was burst into a million tiny pieces of hell. So, I started off where you are. I cannot (and won't) encourage you to take the same path, but perhaps the blogging about it will help. Just know you are not alone. You have a community of caring people here, and not all of them "proudly" cheat. Some bloggers don't cheat at all...SH is an example (above)...some just fantasize about it. Everyone's motivations are different but the one constant is that we all tend to look out for each other. I hope that helps in some way...
Cheers,
CW
Oh sweetie. *sigh*
I'm staring at the screen searching for the right words to say knowing that my words will most likely be written off and meaningless to you. I'm a reluctant infidel. I hate the duplicitous life I lead because of it. You don't want to live a lie. You deserve someone to adore you body and mind. If your DH can't for whatever reason, leave him first and then find the man of your dreams.
Living this way isn't worth it.
Yeah, what button said...
If he can't (or won't) give you what you need from him, then you deserve to find it elsewhere. But you probably won't like where it takes you if you use an affair to get it. At least that's my one person sample take on it :)
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